Name: Jessica Simpson
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Rhodes scholar and high-waisted pants wearer Jessica Simpson chimes in on theology:
"I've been contemplating taking a college course in religion. I love religion. I remember whenever the book 'The Da Vinci Code' came out, the Discovery Channel did this three-night piece on it that I TiVoed and then watched eight times."
Let's all be honest here. The only college Jessica could actually be admitted to is one where Tom Hanks is teaching religion classes and Britney Spears is an English professor.
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Name: Jessica Simpson
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Forsooth, y'all! Like some sort of hillbilly Oracle at Delphi, Jess foresaw the new celebrity trend of receiving a baby at age 16:
"My father was a minister, so growing up we’d go on a missionary trip every summer. The first time I went to that orphanage I was 16 I remember holding this baby who was found in a dumpster. I wanted to adopt him right then and there. I was like, ‘Dad can I have him for my birthday, please?'"
Getting a baby for your birthday is the new black. Just ask Jamie-Lynn. Next season on "My Super Sweet Sixteen" all the cool girls will be getting one.
Name: Jessica Simpson
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
What is the most offensive thing to leak out of Jessica's collagen-enhanced lips? Check it out:
"My next album is probably going to be with Willie Nelson. I’ve been wanting to do a country record, because its just my roots.I aspire to be Patsy Cline."
Patsy Cline is already dead. Why is she trying to kill her again?
Name: Jessica Simpson
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
As usual, Jessica finds her soul's depth at the bottom of a hair color bottle:
"I'm happy to be a brunette because it reflects who I am now."
Who you are right now? A girl who got dumped by a floppy haired douche singing "Your body is a wonderland..."? Oh Jess! Just date your father and get it over with!
Name: Jessica Simpson
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
About her stint in Daisy Duke's short shorts:
"I don't want people walking out of a movie thinking I was trying to act."
I think that's exactly why they walked out of your movie.
Name: Jessica Simpson
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Jessica describes her gut-wrenching break with the church.
"I had very big boobs at a young age, and it kept me from of lot of things in the church. I couldn’t sing solos because supposedly the men lusted when I would get up there."
It's the stuff of a Nathanial Hawthorne novel. It's called wearing a big sweater, Jessica. Problem solved. Go in peace.
Name: Jessica Simpson
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Freud. Jung. Simpson.
"I respect knowledge of the psyche. I would be a therapist if I weren't an entertainer."
But you're not an entertainer...
Name: Jessica Simpson
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Jessica Simpson attempts to sweep her loss for intelligent thought under the, like, really cute Ikea rug while introducing herself to U.S. Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton in December 2004:
"You've done a nice job decorating the White House."
Later that night, she saluted the Postmaster General and asked him to bring our boys home.
Name: Jessica Simpson
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Relinquishing the dream of winning a Grammy:
"I want to be a diva...like people-totally-respect-my-music diva, not diva like carry-my-diet-Coke-around."
She'll have to settle for the lead in the porno "Ride of the Valkyries".
Name: Jessica Simpson
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Mensa alert! Upon running into Pamela Anderson recently, Jess was plum confused about that dang "Baywatch", y'all:
"How did you guys run so slowly in the show's opening scene? You know, where you're running down the beach?
"
Pam was probably just keeping pace with David Hasselhoff.
Name: Jessica Simpson
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Longing to be slightly more than a candelabra...
"Musically, my dream is to do what Norah Jones did. I can't play the piano, but to sit next to it and just sing."
Translation: "My dream is to NOT do what Norah Jones did."