Name: Jessica Simpson
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Standing on principles in her outre UGG boots, Jessica continues to munch on a slice of delusional pie in the sky:
"I will never do nudity. I don't care how dark and intellectual the role could be, you know...I don't care if I frickin' could get an Oscar for it, I'm not going to do it. Those accolades mean nothing to me. I don't think people deserve to see what's under my clothing. That's only for my next husband-ha-ha-ha."
Just like me, I'm sure you're wondering when Jess learned the word "accolade".
comments:
Name: Alicia Silverstone
Occupation: That girl in that one movie
Occupation: That girl in that one movie
Our Lady of Bowel Movements speaketh:
"Most people aren’t pooing. I know two girls in my life who are good friends, who were not pooing, but now they’re pooing ’cause I helped them. I taught them how to poo."
She leads the faithful by example. That's why there is a constant stream of sh*t pouring out of her mouth on a regular schedule.
Name: Richard J. Daley
Occupation: Hippies' Fave Mayor
Occupation: Hippies' Fave Mayor
Why so glum, chum?
"They have vilified me, they have crucified me, yes, they have even criticized me."
Forget being nailed to a cross! It's the criticism that really smarts.
Name: Gwyneth Paltrow
Occupation: Self Righteous Twit
Occupation: Self Righteous Twit
Playing fast and loose with history, much like she did with her Hollywood boyfriends, Goop has a new scold for us:
"It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible."
America apologizes to Spain and Great Britain for foisting the great pile of poo known as Gwyneth Paltrow upon them.
Name: Jennifer Lopez
Occupation: Bitch
Occupation: Bitch
La Lopez displaying fake uncertainty, take 47. Action!
"The few days before I got really nervous I was like, what if I forgot how to act?"
Not knowing how to "act" hasn't been an obstacle in her career before, so why worry now?
Name: Brooke Shields
Occupation: Former Calvin Klein Jeans Pusher
Occupation: Former Calvin Klein Jeans Pusher
Does she do anything other than shill health products and get in fights with celebs anymore?
"Not learning to love the way I looked earlier. And I think I would have had sex a lot earlier! I think I would have lost my virginity earlier than I did at 22. I had the public and all this pressure, and I wish I had just gotten it over with in the beginning when it was sort of OK. I think I would have been much more in touch with myself. I think I wouldn't have had issues with weight--I carried this protective 20 pounds [in college]. It was all connected. And to me, that's a health regret.
"
Note to 16 year old boys trying to convince girls to have sex: not only does it cure your acne, but it cures your 20 protective pounds!
Name: Megan Fox
Occupation: Created in a P.R. lab
Occupation: Created in a P.R. lab
Reciting a passage from her own personal copy of I Wanna Be Angelina: The Sassy Magazine Years, here's Megan!
"...and instead of the entire planet, can you just take out all of the white trash, hillbilly, anti-gay, super bible-beating people in Middle America?"
Apparently, the "white trash, hillbilly, anti-gay, super bible-beating people" in other parts of the country get a pass. Maybe they're her relatives...
Name: Paris Hilton
Occupation: unknown
Occupation: unknown
Paris pouts and stomps her Louboutins!
"I wanna have like a family and a guy. Y’know, it just upsets me because I'm not anything like what people say about me, and this cartoon character that they've made of me is just completely false. It makes me mad that I'm such a good person and I'm treated like that by some people, I just don't get it.
"
They do say that herpes can cause memory loss...
Name: Pamela Anderson
Occupation: Aging Sex Symbol
Occupation: Aging Sex Symbol
Wondering why Pam's marriage to Kid Rock didn't make it to fifty years?
"We didn't sit down and read books all night, which I love to do."
You can tell by the list of people on Pam's dating resume that reading Kafka is a priority.
Name: Madonna
Occupation: Jim Jones in Training
Occupation: Jim Jones in Training
Forget Gwyneth! Madonna has some goop-y advice to fix your life:
"Dress like Britney Spears and think like me, and everything will be fine."
In other words, use a half percent of your brain and adorn yourself in an ensemble made entirely out of denim. All will be well.
Name: Colin Farrell
Occupation: Baby Maker
Occupation: Baby Maker
Close but no cigar...
"It's not that I'm stupid. I just don't think sometimes.
"
I'm sure we never could have guessed that by the parade of skanks he's aligned himself with over the years.
Name: Chris Martin
Occupation: Poet laureate of henpecked husbands
Occupation: Poet laureate of henpecked husbands
A Dawn commercial just waiting to happen:
"Men should always change diapers. It's a very rewarding experience. It's mentally cleansing. It's like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes."
Mr. and Mrs. Gwyneth Goop are becoming more and more like the Lockhorns from the Sunday comics every day.
Name: Lil' Wayne
Occupation: Whoopi Goldberg
Occupation: Whoopi Goldberg
On the list of things I never cared to know:
"I'd probably love to have sex with…man, I think she's dead already. I'd probably want somebody like Marilyn Monroe -- somebody that's been with the president or something. If I had Marilyn Monroe, I would do whatever she asks and whatever she's never had done to her. And I swear I'd do it good!"
I guess that means Monica Lewinsky has something good waiting for her around the bend?
Name: Beyonce Knowles
Occupation: Sasha Not So Fierce
Occupation: Sasha Not So Fierce
It's a hard knock life for her!
"I'll be able to go to the theater every day and drop my kids off and maybe make some food — maybe I'll know how to cook by then — and then go do what I love and have some normalcy and have a regular schedule."
As opposed to her regular schedule right now which seems to solely consist of sitting next to Jay-Z at basketball games.