Howard Dean
Occupation: Yeeeeaaaaarggh!
Apparently Congress is filled with working middle class soccer moms:
"You think people can work all day and then pick up their kids at child care or wherever and get home and still manage to sandwich in an eight-hour vote? Well Republicans, I guess can do that. Because a lot of them have never made an honest living in their lives."
Actually, I didn't realize there were more than a handful of politicians on either side who ever made an honest living in their lives. If they were interested in an honest living, wouldn't they be teachers or firemen or street mimes instead?
- 09.02.2010 | 11:30 pm
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Eva Mendes
Occupation: Once a video girl, always a video girl
God, when will the world understand how brave it is to be a sex pot and naked!
"[When] other actresses who aren't thought of, maybe, as being quite as attractive do full-frontal, they're called brave. Nobody has ever said, 'Eva, you're so brave for doing full-frontal nudity.' Just because I'm attractive doesn't mean it's not still scary. Why am I not brave?"
Why are you not brave? Because you're a moron. You want to be taken seriously? Why don't you stop posing leaning over with your tits shoved together in men's magazines and take the time to learn to be a better actor instead? You and Jessica Biel should throw a "I'm Too Sexy For My Career" pity party together and shut the hell up.
- 09.02.2010 | 11:14 pm
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Demi Lovato
Occupation: Replaceable
Demi sees a life of groupies, swoopy hair and Jerry Hall ahead for the Jonas Brothers' 9 year old sibling Frankie:
"He's the biggest rock star of all of them. He's got swag like Justin Bieber and he rocks out like Mick Jagger, so he's kind of a combination of the two. He's kind of like the ultimate rock star. Watch out, Justin Timberlake!"
Wait, when did we, as a nation, decide Justin Timberlake was a rock star? I demand a recount due to hanging chads.
- 09.02.2010 | 11:01 pm
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Kendra Wilkinson
Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
Kendra knew you were worried she wasn't having sex so she thought she'd share:
"When the baby sleeps, we have sex! That's what it is for us. That's why it's so cool to be young parents because we have the energy to do that."
Old parents just sit back with their mug of steaming hot Metamucil and reminisce about the days when they used to walk five miles in the snow...uphill!...to get to their master bedrooms to have a quickie. Young people have it so easy these days.
- 09.02.2010 | 7:29 pm
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David Hasselhoff
Occupation: Not Getting The Joke
You might have to dig all the way to the center of the Earth, but there is a silver lining to be found on "Dancing With The Stars":
"You won't see me in Spandex because it reveals too
much of The Hoff."
America would like to present Spandex with the National Humanitarian Award For Visual Preservation of the Country's Eyes.
- 09.01.2010 | 8:50 pm
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Helen Adams
Occupation: Hairdresser for Classy Cutz turned U.K. Big Brother contestant
What is so confusing to blondes about poultry?
See also Simpson, Jessica.
See also Simpson, Jessica.
"How much chicken is there in chick peas?"
She needs to know for the chick pea census. She's not sure which box to check: chicken, reindeer, garbanzo beans or Pan Asian American.
- 09.01.2010 | 8:14 pm
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Britney Spears
Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
This is funnier when you realize Madonna is getting to the age when she'll have to start stocking up on Depends. It's the circle of life, my friends...
"I performed at Mom and Dad's party when I was four. Oh my gosh, I was singing a Madonna song, and I peed myself!"
Britney, I wouldn't say that thing about peeing too loudly around John Mayer unless you're looking for a new boyfriend who'll dump you for Twitter.
- 09.01.2010 | 7:57 pm
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Danielle Staub
Occupation: A good reason to not visit New Jersey
Things Danielle doesn't appreciate: garbage, clowns, and...
"I just don't appreciate anyone talking about my private life in public."
How dare we talk about a reality star's life in public! We should only sit on our couches laughing about it in private.
- 09.01.2010 | 7:47 pm
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Angelina Jolie
Occupation: Womb Raider
But does she feel badly for people who had love until their significant other starred in a film with Angelina Jolie?
"I feel sad for someone who has never known love. Love elevates. You know, Brad would joke about me having this conversation about love. Love? It's such a funny word. Brad can find certain phrases of poetry for it. I'm terrible at it. But I know it means wanting the best for the people you love, putting their interests above your own, always. Love does that. Love is what you live for."
Reading this, can't you imagine Brad and Angelina as one of those crappy Russ Wallace Berrie figurines you could buy at Hallmark in the 70s for a last minute anniversary gift? Y'know, those frumpy, cream colored, big eyed statues with sayings etched into them like "I wuv you 4 ever honey". That's Brad poetry to me.
- 09.01.2010 | 5:28 pm
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John Mayer
Occupation: A lost member of Air Supply
He's turning into the Wilmer Valderrama of music, isn't he?
"All I want to do now is f*ck the girls I've already f*cked, because I can't fathom explaining myself to somebody who can't believe I'd be interested in them and they're going, 'But you're John Mayer!'"
Legally, it would be best for you not to screw anyone who is impressed with your attention, John. I think they are all either naive 14 year olds living with their parents or comatose 89 year olds living on life support.
- 08.30.2010 | 3:55 pm
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