Name: Denise Richards
Occupation: Headcase
Occupation: Headcase
Denise tells US Magazine what makes the upcoming second season of her reality show so unique.
"As my life changes, season two will be different because different things happen, and it's a reality show"
You can almost hear her head whistle as a cool breeze goes in one ear and out the other.
comments:
Name: Gwyneth Paltrow
Occupation: Self Righteous Twit
Occupation: Self Righteous Twit
Ben Affleck's old girlfriend takes a moment out of her Goop-y lifestyle for some self-reflection:
"People think I'm aloof, or old, or that I breathe rarefied air—that's not me."
No, we're all pretty sure that the air you breathe Gwyneth smells like undeserved entitlement, organic sunflower seeds, and a whole lot of self-importance.
Name: Kate Beckinsale
Occupation: Rula Lenska
Occupation: Rula Lenska
Another case of "you can't miss what you never had"...
"I might not act any more. I am quite interested in becoming a doctor. I am thinking I might go back to school. I found the whole movie star thing very shocking and not really what I was after. There can be pockets of time where your brain is not working quite as much as you might like it to. I miss that."
I suggest a career as a gynecologist, Kate. You could continue talking ad nauseum about your vagina and we'd all think it was because you were a doctor instead of a grasping famewhore.
Name: Sean Puffy Combs
Occupation: Overproduced as a person
Occupation: Overproduced as a person
In the Sean Combs time machine, the election was already over on the morning of the election:
"I felt like my vote was the vote that put him into office. It was down to one vote, and that was going to be my vote. And that may not be true, but that's how much power it felt like I had."
Thank god the election officials keep track of those things. If it had been Chase Crawford's vote that put Obama in office, I just don't know if it would have the same glitzy "oomph".
Name: Brad Pitt
Occupation: U.N. Goodwill Ambassador Prop
Occupation: U.N. Goodwill Ambassador Prop
Art Vandelay in a trilby continues his attempt to own all the sand castles on Self-Delusion Blvd:
"I'd like to design something like a city or a museum. I want to do something hands on rather than just play golf which is the sport of the religious right.
"
Golf = religious right? Is that like private motorcycle track at French chateau = pampered dillhole?
Name: Liz Hurley
Occupation: Slowly fading away
Occupation: Slowly fading away
Estee Lauder's very own Christopher Marlowe shares:
"I've always wanted to be a spy, and frankly I'm a little surprised that British intelligence has never approached me."
Considering that intelligence of any sort avoids her brain like the plague, is it really that big of a surprise?
Name: Christina Aguilera
Occupation: Not Britney
Occupation: Not Britney
It sounded really genius in her head:
"It's disrespectful as a female in this country to other females before us who have paved the way to even give us a right to vote, to have the right to vote. We really need to exercise that right that we have. Politics truly affects you in every single way possible and you don't know how much it does."
Oh, the perils of democracy! She gets to vote, too. We all know that if it doesn't involve vinyl chaps, clown makeup, or hair bleach, it doesn't touch her life anyway.
Name: Cameron Diaz
Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
Cammie takes a stand for the underserved "attractive" minority:
"If a woman who's a successful actress weighs 300 pounds and has warts, nobody ever asks her, 'Do you think you made it because you're ugly?' So why should there be prejudice against someone who's had some success in films and looks a little better than average. It's all in my genes, so don't hold it against me."
Get a grip on a bottle of Proactive, you egotistical prat! You are no Catherine Deneuve, honey.
Name: Dan Rather
Occupation: What's the frequency, Dan?
Occupation: What's the frequency, Dan?
How hot is that election Danny?
"This race is hotter than a Times Square Rolex."
Oh yeah. Don't even try to play the dozens with Dan Rather. He'll smoke your ass.
Name: Britney Spears
Occupation: Cow
Occupation: Cow
Britney performs...art?
"In the future, I will refrain from discussing my private life in interviews. It will be expressed solely through art."
It might be a (crack)pipe dream of mine, but I hope her art somehow involves a mime routine with Shields and Yarnell. One question...can one mime in a hillbilly accent?
Name: Dan Quayle
Occupation: "Potatoe" head politico
Occupation: "Potatoe" head politico
Words of inspiration from our former V.P.?
"My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will never, never surrender to what is right."
Actually, these were the original Corey Hart lyrics. Those stupid suits at the label made him change them, man. Corporate scumbags.
Name: Lindsay Lohan
Occupation: Staunch water bottle supporter
Occupation: Staunch water bottle supporter
Linds fills out her fantasy centerfold survey:
"Liars and mean people. I'm a Cancerian so I'm sensitive and emotional, but very honest - so I don't like liars. Also I don't understand people who are mean for no reason."
She also doesn't like grape lollipops and people who don't like world peace. She DOES like unicorns, leggings and those posters with the kitten dangling from a tree that say "Just hangin' around." Those are neato.
Name: Madonna
Occupation: Jim Jones in Training
Occupation: Jim Jones in Training
Just in case you were wondering how the human rights violations on the African continent relate to Britney Spears:
"When you think about the way people treat each other in Africa, about witchcraft and people inflicting cruelty and pain on each other, then come back here and, you know, people taking pictures of people when they're in their homes, being taken to hospitals, or suffering, and selling them, getting energy from them, that's a terrible infliction of cruelty."
Late onset of pop diva senility? A little late on that bandwagon aren't you Madge? Mariah had you beat by years! I remember when you were an innovator and not a follower...
Name: Gwyneth Paltrow
Occupation: Self Righteous Twit
Occupation: Self Righteous Twit
The close pal of Sadie Frost and the rest of the Primrose Hill Temperance League has this to say about her non-alkie friends:
"No. I think they're the idiot people and I'm the normal person. But I don't really go to parties where ... I don't really have drunk friends. My friends are kind of adult; they have a drink. But they hold their liquor. I think it's incredibly embarrassing when people are drunk. It just looks so ridiculous. I find it very degrading. I think, ooh, you're really degrading yourself right now, to be this pissed out in public."
Just replace every random word she says from now on with the word "Goop". It will make it all better. Like, "I'm Goop Paltrow. I am a goop person who gives her goop opinion on all sorts of goop she knows nothing about." See! Sunshine day!